Two Months Long Distance: An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Maddi,

Well how time flies. Another whole month living in London. And what a rollercoaster it’s been.

Most long distance relationships occur because of outside circumstances. Meeting whilst on holiday or on a work trip and falling head over heels despite coming from two different countries. Having to move away because of university or college. These relationships are built on the fact that these circumstances cannot be changed, eventually you will find a way to make it work, but right now this is the way it has to be. What has made this situation so much tougher on him, and ultimately on us, is that this was a choice. You made a selfish choice. Selfish in the sense that you chose yourself, you chose your needs over his or anyone else’s.

Over and over Thomas has questioned you, which in turn made him question himself. How could you leave what we had? Was it not good enough? Was I not good enough? These were hard to hear, because none of them had anything to do with why you left. The best relationship you have ever been in, with someone that loves you with everything he is. Which is why you felt you could go. It’s tough to look back on your past relationships and realise you’ve never felt trusted enough, valued enough or loved enough to be completely yourself. You stayed trapped in relationships with people who were too insecure about themselves to let you live freely. You knew that taking this huge life step, that Thomas would be there for you, the way no other has been. So when he asked you How could you leave what we had? The answer was simply, you felt that you could.

There were a couple of weeks that he felt so distant. The whole, hey Maddi you’re on the other side of the world thing really kicked in. Our conversation was empty, forced and a could feel him pulling further away. In these couple of weeks I know you struggled. Trying to stay strong for him and yourself left you feeling exhausted, unmotivated and slowly you started slipping into a negative headspace. This sh*t is hard. Of course as with everything, you got through it. You had real, honest conversations and got knee deep in all the feels. That sh*t is also hard, but unbelievably rewarding. One thing that you’re finding most difficult is the inability to support him in the same way you would if you were home. Conversation is all you have. Rough day, give him a hug – the usual protocol goes out the window while you try and console him through a screen. It’s okay. You’re doing you’re best, he knows it, you know it.

Since those couple of weeks at the start of the month, things have looked up. Netflix dates on FaceTime and calls before bed time keep you smiling. You still miss him every single day and no day has gone past that you haven’t thought about him. But, you’ve been busy planning trips away because in 11 DAYS THOMAS WILL BE HERE. Two months long distance and that distance is about to close for a little while. You’ve had tunnel vision, staying focussed on the positives, on the things you have to look forward too, on the memories you and Thomas will be making. Stay focussed, just keep loving and being honest.

You are so strong, never forget it.

Love, Maddi.